I am not going into details with this, simply because my trials don't matter.... not at least to the greater issue at hand, which is 'how can I affect the lives of others, and what does God want me to do for them?'
It's not about me. It's about you.
I'm not above admitting I have a narcissistic streak. I do my best to control it, but part of who I am, and the very fiber of my programming in life and culture have formed me. I like who I am. I also know I'm difficult and at times, arrogant. It's certainly not my intention, but it happens... that "how I come across" thing.
However, my heart is for you. My heart is for others. This is why I've been fighting with myself and what I think God wants me to do with my life for others. How I've been begging for clarity and how maybe this blog today is me finding myself amidst the words.
I love the 'idea' of helping others, but do I really want to HELP others?
When all Hell breaks loose, and I'm challenged to my very core.... do I really want to HELP others?
Is my heart really for others, or is it what I can get from the world, should I choose to HELP others?
Have I ever really helped others? I mean HELPED others?
I have to challenge you and my own heart and say 'maybe I'm just starting to actually do that.'
You see.... we all posit the idea to ourselves that our grand goal in life is to make enough money and have enough resources to care for the lives of those less fortunate, whether they are physically suffering, mentally suffering, or just can't have their basic needs met.
Yet, have you ever changed an adult diaper? It's a basic need for a number of elderly, yet we all seem to think that doing social work wouldn't get any uglier than doing dishes or laundry for the indigent. Yet, that's a lie. Handling the basic needs of others is almost certainly ugly, disgusting, and smelly. Almost all of the time. Really.
So, what do you really want? What do I really want?
My prayer has been for clarity. Yours should be as well. Here's some thoughts, courtesy of the excellent TGIF emails I receive. They are always challenging and maybe today one of these will be just what you needed to hear.
"There is an oxymoron throughout the Bible. It says that brokenness is strength. How can this be? How can brokenness be strength? In order to use men and women to their fullest extent, the Lord has to break His servants so that they might have a new kind of strength that is not human in origin. It is strength in spirit that is born only through brokenness.
Paul was broken on the Damascus road. Peter was broken after Jesus was taken prisoner. Jacob was broken at Peniel. David was broken after his sin with Bathsheba. The list could go on of those the Lord had to break in different ways before they could be used in the Kingdom.
When we are broken, we see the frailty of human strength and come to grips with the reality that we can do nothing in our own strength. Then, new strength emerges that God uses mightily. God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble.
Do not fear brokenness, for it may be the missing ingredient to a life that emerges with a new kind of strength and experience not known before. Pray for a broken and contrite heart that God can bless."
- Os Hillman (bold/emphasis added by yours truly)
So.... today, I'm going to choose to do my very best to remain strong to the world and broken to Him. I encourage you to do the same. Look at the company you'll be a part of!